Question:
"Kevin" <sevenths…@hotmail.com
wrote in message
news:MPG.14c266efb4650b0c9896bb@news.ntlworld.com…
Thanks for that story TC – what a tough decision, but it’s obvious that you had to do it. Providing a frame so that two other adults can ignore the mess they’ve made is not much of a life – and not really fair to anybody.
Sigh. You’re missing something rather significant, though. TC left because she was in a bad relationship with an abusive alchoholic. She needed to leave that relationship for her own health, safety and state of mind, if nothing else, and it was impossible to do so and still salvage the relationship with her–for all intents and purposes–stepdaughter. I’ve heard this type of advice from many of you–three this week, that I remember; I think nearly *all* of you at one point or another. And I *know* that your advice comes from your concern for me, and I love you for that concern. But one of these days I’m going to be what appears to be one of those spontaneous combustion cases–they’re going to walk in and find char and ashes all around my computer chair and nothing else damaged. So please let me re-iterate and get out everything that I need to say, one last time. And then I have to stop discussing this with you all, because it exhausts me to have to explain myself over and over and I just cannot do it anymore. You folks want me to leave a perfectly good friendship with a person who just happens to be my ex-husband because *you* think I need to. I disagree. If DH was a female roommate, would you all say that it was impossible for me to have a life while living here with her? What if she had a child that I helped her with? My friend’s best friend is a single mother and so my friend spends a lot of time and effort helping her raise her son. Should she walk away too? Because she has no ties to this child and needs to get on with her *own* life? Merrie once asked me why I would continue a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere? I remember it because it seemed like such a bizarre question to ask about a friendship. Are your friendships "going" somewhere? Are they all leading to marriage? Because if they are, I think you’re right…I need to get new friends. All of your concern hinges on the fact that he’s my ex-husband and this doesn’t follow the traditional divorce pattern, so everybody wants to tell me that it’s wrong or unhealthy. I never got my copy of The Big Book of Divorce, but I’ll tell you something…I consider mine pretty successful. I have everything that I set out to have at the time that I left DH–things I never thought I would have again. And I don’t feel that I’m losing *anything* in the process. So if you’re all just holding your breath, waiting for the day that I cut off all ties with DH and stepson for no reason other than "so that I can get on with my life", I think you’d better find a new hobby. I *have* gotten on with my life and, thankfully, have managed to keep one of my best friends and a relationship with the child that I love. You folks need to understand and appreciate that I’m not going anywhere anytime soon…and when I do, I won’t be going far. I’ll still be best friends with DH, and will still be special friends with my stepson. Until such time that something unavoidable happens–like a new woman in DH’s life–this is the way that things will continue. Because *I* want it to. And, currently, so do DH and stepson. It’s unorthodox, and I completely appreciate your not understanding it. But socially, right now, I feel 100% fulfilled, just the way things are, and I have no desire to change it. Get me a job and shave five years off my age, and I’d be very, very happy with my life right now. I know an awful lot of parasites–people who’s only concern for me is my ability to do things for them. I just had this discussion earlier this year with Merrie, when I was trying to end a friendship with a person I no longer valued as a friend. I’m currently dealing with two others–one being Roomie–and I’m just keeping my head above water with them, trying to see if there’s anything left to salvage. The idea of leaving a wonderful, fulfilling friendship for absolutely no reason is ludicrous. When I left DH, I told my brother that my mom was worried about what the family would say. He turned to me and said, "Leslie, anybody who was at that wedding would *not* be surprised that it turned out like this." And it’s true–I never heard a word from anybody at my wedding. My distant family, however, all think that I *need* to go back to him. My distant friends think I *need* to cut off all ties with him completely. The people who really know me and have actually met DH and I are all happy that things have turned out so well and that everyone is happy with the current situation. What do you think that says? I’m not one of those people who think that support means agreeing with everything I say and do. You’ve given me your advice and I’ve read it, understood where it was coming from, and appreciated it. But I have to do what’s right for me and, having explained that all before, I cannot keep going in this same circle. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
You know, it’s not a hive mind here.
Buzz. (Snicker.) For some reason, that line of yours cracked me up, Anne. I was kind of wondering where you were – I like to read something funny everyone now and then on here. ~~~~~~~~~~ Geri ^ ^
’ ’ <
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."- Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~
Response:
"Jennaii" <jenn…@aol.com
wrote in message
news:20010110193658.15383.00000587@ng-fu1.aol.com…
Personalities – they already know they won’t kill each other and can
accept
their idiosyncrazies.
Here’s a funny little story. When I moved to Toronto, I moved in with a cousin of my mother’s. She had a spare bedroom that she rented out to college students and it was available at the time. I’d never met her before and she was *very* nice. I asked her how much she wanted for it and she said, "Well, you just get to Toronto and get yourself a job. Then we’ll talk about rent." The third day I was there, I found a note that said that my rent for that month was to be $240. When I found a job, she would raise it to $280. And if I started eating more than I already was (I hadn’t touched a single item of food), she’d have to look into that as well. We lived in an apartment and the kitchen was tiny, but it was mostly taken up by a large, full-sized deep freeze. Everything was frozen. I would buy groceries, put them away, and the next day I’d find them in the freezer. Bread, cheese, milk…she thought that things that were frozen lasted longer and so she took the liberty of doing such with my things as well. She never slept. One night I woke up to hammering on the bathroom wall, which was the same as my bedroom wall and right next to my head. I woke to find that she’d turned our blue bathroom into a pink one. The woman had painted and wallpapered. We had this frilly pink shower curtain and pink towels and rugs. There were little wicker hats and flowered pictures hung on the wall. I mean, this woman had been *really* busy during the night. She would turn straight from Jeckyll to Hyde. One night she talked me into attending the Thanksgiving services with her and her family (which, as we all remember, is my family as well). I really didn’t want to, but the kids begged me not to make them suffer alone, so I went. After *several* hours of service, they decided to break before starting the sing-along. Her son was taking the kids home, so I arranged to have him drop me off on his way. When we met up with my cousin in the lobby, she said, sweetly, "You don’t mind staying, do you Leslie?" I told her that I thought I had better be getting home, and she snapped, "Well, how do you think you’re going to get there???" She hated men. She was constantly taking messages from my boyfriend that she never passed on and would tell me that he was seeing other women. Men were responsible for everything bad that ever happened–except in the case of her sons. With them, it was all their ex-wives’ faults. The worst part was her cat. The woman worked a full-time job during the day, a part-time job most evenings, and went away every weekend, all weekend. But she had a cat. Now before you ask why I didn’t just let it into my room, I deathly allergic to cats. Other people’s cats don’t bother me as much, but I cannot have them in my sleeping area for any real length of time. So although she left her bedroom door open and the cat otherwise had the run of the entire apartment, it would park itself outside my door all night and *howl*! I needed to get my rest so that I could work in the morning, so eventually I got myself a squirt gun. Pretty soon the cat could recognize by the sound of my bedsprings that I was getting up and he’d take off like a shot. Of course, he always came back. One day I made the horrible mistake of telling my cousin that the cat seemed to have fleas. Thus began the flea baths. She would douse the cat in flea solution and then lock it in the bathroom (which, as we all remember, is right behind my bedroom wall). All night the cat would howl and pound on the door. "MREOWWWW!!! Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump." The first night a really horrible thought hit me–I had seen that the doorstop had been taken off the door and I’d replaced it. One of those spring doorstops, with the rubber end. So I laid there in bed, praying, "Please don’t find the doorstop! Please don’t find the doorstop!" The next second I heard, "MREOWWWW!!! Thump, thump, thump, thump…PE-TWANG!!!!!" The bloody cat found the doorstop. Are we starting to get why I don’t want anymore surprise roommates? :-)
And he is "fine" with this situation.
<smile
Well, I don’t know about "fine", but he knows about it and he’s still here. I think he knows that until he makes me a better offer he doesn’t have much right to complain! lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
I think it’s possible to just be good friends with your exhusband and live together as JUST GOOD FRIENDS. This would be, in my mind, a "roommate" situation. And if that roommate had a small child I cared about I would certainly voice my opinion. As I would if it were my nieces or nephews or SD. And if I felt the child’s wellbeing was at stake I would certainly feel comfortable venting here about it. And there are other benefits to this arrangement too: Financially for one. (*I* cannot live on what I make. Period, the end.) Safety – my best roommates were men who were just friends. My parents approved because they didn’t want me living alone and they liked that there was a "man" around. Personalities – they already know they won’t kill each other and can accept their idiosyncrazies. Lil HAS "moved on". She has a boyfriend. And he is "fine" with this situation. Please keep posting Lil, and hugs.
If you have no interest in helping me work through it or find other options, it’s probably best if you all tell me that right now.
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" — Bob Seger Jennaii
Response:
"Anne Robotti" <arobo…@fastpointcom.com
wrote in message
news:3A5CD921.74D7DE5D@fastpointcom.com…
You know, it’s not a hive mind here. Some people probably are interested
in
helping you work through it or find other options. Some probably aren’t.
If
you can get something out of the board or contribute something, great. I
think
you’re getting in trouble because you’re thinking that everybody feels or
thinks
this or that about your situation, which is not true. I mean, I think it’s
hurting
your feelings and you’re missing out on some stuff.
Oh no, definitely…I didn’t mean to imply that at all. I know of a number of people who fully appreciate my situation, others who seem to straddle the fence and come down on whichever side seems to apply at the time, and then–of course–others still who think I’m dead wrong. I’m feeling a little displaced is all, Anne. Actually, I’m feeling a *lot* displaced. I don’t necessarily belong here anymore, and I feel it. But I don’t belong anywhere else, either, so I stay. But when it looks to me like the majority of the others feel that I’m in the wrong place as well, I have to seriously rethink the situation.
I didn’t know there was a specific issue you were looking for help with
right
now. Is it the medicine thing?
No, the medicine thing was a vent. I was frustrated–very frustrated. As I said to Melissa, I’d feel the same about any child that was being unecessarily medicated because the mother wanted a scape goat. If I lived in a house, I’d probably walk into the bathroom, lock the door and scream and scream until I got it all out of my system. As it is, I live in an apartment and I couldn’t complain about the idiots downstairs if I started making more noise than they do. So, since you guys knew about it all, I did my screaming here. Then I painted a smile on my face, turned around and said, "Has <stepson
had his medication yet?" I keeps me from becoming a
shrew. It makes my living arrangement a lot more comfortable when I’m not screaming to Rob about something that I already *know* is not really my business (although, as I said to Melissa, as soon as I feel it oversteps the line between unecessary medication and abuse, I firmly believe it becomes my business). And just maybe I was hoping for a comment or two like Jennaii’s, when she said that she thought that biomom should be medicated. :-)
What if my advice would be, "Let SS’s parents deal with this and here are the ten reasons I think that’s what I would do
in
your situation"? Should I not post that? Or are you just asking for more
sen-
sitivity?
I’d like to think that we all know that I don’t come here to be stroked–I’ve never asked for it and I can’t recall ever expecting it. Most of my favorite responses have come from you, Kim and Jane Lawrence, and none of you can be accused of being overly subtle. :-) I’d *like* to know your top ten reasons for letting his parents deal with it. Unless they’re all "IT’S NOT YOUR BUSINESS", that will give me ten things to chew on for awhile. And in the end, you might very well find me agreeing with you. It might seem hard to believe, but I’m not interested in making excuses for myself. I’m hard headed and unbelievably stubborn, but I welcome having a flip-side of things pointed out to me. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. At any rate, my comment to Melissa was sort of generic and–short of someone dealing with Roomie for me–there *is* nothing in particularly I’m looking for right now. But I will admit to being a little nervous about the next time I am. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
lilblakdog wrote:
The point to this post was exactly that. This option doesn’t work for me. If you have no interest in helping me work through it or find other options, it’s probably best if you all tell me that right now.
You know, it’s not a hive mind here. Some people probably are interested in helping you work through it or find other options. Some probably aren’t. If you can get something out of the board or contribute something, great. I think you’re getting in trouble because you’re thinking that everybody feels or thinks this or that about your situation, which is not true. I mean, I think it’s hurting your feelings and you’re missing out on some stuff. I didn’t know there was a specific issue you were looking for help with right now. Is it the medicine thing? What if my advice would be, "Let SS’s parents deal with this and here are the ten reasons I think that’s what I would do in your situation"? Should I not post that? Or are you just asking for more sen- sitivity? Anne
Response:
"Melissa " <laa…@aol.comspamfree
wrote in message
news:20010110112100.12429.00000803@ng-mh1.aol.com…
Are you this involved with any of your friends kids? Would you ever feel comfortable doing
that? No and yes…which is the reason I’m not. I have one close friend who has children. I was there from day one with the oldest–spending days holding and feeding and cuddling, so that my friend would be able to sleep or shower or do whatever it is she needed to do. I’ve had an extremely strong bond with him from the first moment I saw him in the hospital. I have all kinds of problems with the way my friend raises him and it’s caused some very ugly moments. So I meet my friend for lunch when she’s working and stay away from them as a family.
If you and Dh are truly just friends than your role in his son’s life is alot less than your role as his
stepmom. Of course it is. And I’ve adjusted it accordingly.
There are certain things that no matter how hard the are for you to let go
of
are not yours to deal with any more, and what medication your friend puts
his
son on is one of them
This isn’t true. If the neighbors were beating their children, it would be my business. When I have knowledge of a circumstance where I know that a child is receiving incorrect and possibly harmful medication *because his mother orchestrated it that way*, I see that as my business too. I’m not saying anything to DH, but if I notice significant negative changes in stepson’s behavior, or find alarming new information about the drug, you’d better believe that I’ll be sending a letter outlining my concerns to social services.
If she were your former lover I would. You and Dh aren’t just friends but friends that used to be married. the dynamic of the relationship is automatically going to change. You are not merely friends you are friends
that
shared a marriage. It’s not the same thing, and can’t compare.
No, *you* see it as not the same thing. *I* don’t. I don’t go along with the idea that what is one way for some people *has* to be that way for everybody. I’m the only one who knows what sort of role our relatioship played in my life and the impact that it made.
I can almost guarentee that you would not have the same emotional
attachment to
that child that you would with SS.
You’d be wrong. I have very much the same attachment to my best friend’s oldest child, as well as the two boys I’ve been involved with for the last 18.5 years.
Because Lil many of us don’t view your relationship with Dh as a
friendship. Again, this is not my concern. *I* do view it that way.
you still live with him, still refer to him as DH and not DF, still think
of SS
as your SS and not the son of your friend.
So this is where the problem comes from? Because I still refer to him as DH? Well, I do it for sake of clarity, as I’ve pointed out to you before. But since it’s obviously still a concern, from now on he’ll be Rob. But don’t expect me to use a child’s name or start referring to him as "the son of my friend". If everybody wants me to switch over to "Chuck" or "Bob" or something, because it’s easier for everybody to deal with, I’ll be more than happy to.
The fact that your friends with you ex is not wrong and unhealthy, the
fact
that you two might still be playing husband and wife in some cases might
be
unhealthy.
GOOD LORD, where on earth do you get this idea?????????? The very idea that Rob and I play husband and wife is ludicrous…anybody who’s actually seen us together (Nikki, for instance) will be happy to back that up. I *myself* have a hard time imagining what things were like when we were more than friends, it so far from my mind. Rob is Rob. I am me. We’re a better option for each other than living alone. It doesn’t mean we have illusions of playing "husband and wife". A good 60% of our problem was that I didn’t *want* to be married…I’m sure as heck not going to fantasize about it now!
Your continued involvement in SS’s life, might be unhealthy for your own psyche.
I grew up in a neighborhood where I was raised by over two dozen families, as well as certain teachers and church members–not to mention extended family members and friends. A lot of those people were from other countries, like Italy, Scotland, Fiji and the Philapines. A couple of them were commune households of hippies. One house was primarily First Nation. Some would play music or make crafts; others would just watch television and talk. One even taught my friend and I summer school, when we were out for vacation. I consider myself very fortunate to have that kind of input in my life. I’m not black and white–I’m rainbow coloured. So if you want to tell me that putting an effort into making a difference in a child’s life might be unhealthy for my psyche, you’ll have to excuse me for disagreeing whole-heartedly. I can’t think of anything else in the world that’s more fulfilling.
No Lil. What you do with DH and SS really doesn’t matter much in the
grand
scheme of my life, but when you post you have to expect that we’ll have opinions about all of this.
Yes. And when I say that option doesn’t work for me, I expect people to understand that. If they have nothing further to suggest, so be it. Perhaps there’s another option, though, that they can suggest. The point to this post was exactly that. This option doesn’t work for me. If you have no interest in helping me work through it or find other options, it’s probably best if you all tell me that right now. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
The point to this post was exactly that. This option doesn’t work for me. If you have no interest in helping me work through it or find other options, it’s probably best if you all tell me that right now. lil —
Whoa Lil!!! I am so sorry that this has strayed so far from your original issues. It seems that the main focus for ‘a few’ has become re-defining lil’s relationship with DH, and SS… I realize that this may or may not make a whole lot of difference to you, but I personally admire you for the role that you have ‘chosen’ to take in your SS’s life. I would almost equate your role as a very active aunt, and friend. (not that it is my job to define anything in your life) it seems to be easier for me to equate you and DH as brother and sister when I read your posts. We know that there are others on this board, like Jana who has a nephew that she cared for and had to deal with issues of her brother, and her nephew. I did not ever hear anyone say that she should step out of her nephews life. Then there is me with my Step Grand-daughter, where most were telling me I should try to get primary custody of her (although that has several difficulties in itself). It was never suggested to me that I should just abandon her to the elements. Maybe I am a bit more open minded than some (not all), because of my upbringing. I was brought up around a very eclectic group of people, ranging from (what other people might call) dirty bikers (yes, actually a few of them did not bathe very often), stunt men, etc… My mother was one of the few Women in the 70’s, and 80’s who actually owned and maintained her own Harley Davidson. To going to fancy balls in Beverly Hills, Movie stars, and some people in very high political offices. My Aunt owns an NFL Football team, and my oldest sister ran for Lieutenant Governor of California. I would honestly say that what ever works for you, then so be it!!! I have a best friend in my life right now, that has been involved with my life and family for the past 6 years, she has known my daughter since she was two, and she is known to all around us as Aunt ****. I turn to her for advice on many things, even though she has never had children of her own I would be ’shocked’ if she saw something going on in DD8’s life and did not say anything about it, or try to do anything about it. She has a ‘very’ strong connection to DD8 (and a very strong personality to boot), and I respect her opinion greatly. There was a time when I was very ill, and I could not even walk to the bathroom my self for several months, and this woman kindly came into my home, and took over all of the things that I was not able to do. I could not even pick my daughter up to give her a hug, and this lovely woman came in and gave a large piece of her heart to us and generously gave something to my daughter that she desperately needed at the time. We have since have had many re-defining moments in our lives, from being friends, to her being my employee, and friend, to her becoming a primary caregiver to my child, to her getting together with a man who has children moving into a new relationship with him , gaining step children, having to not work for me anymore, and being friends again. I miss our daily interaction sometimes, and I accuse her of ‘abandonment’ when she is particularly busy, but I would not change her for the world!!! In many ways your strength, and caring heart remind me of her
I can speak for myself, and I am sure that there are others who agree, when I say that I would be more than willing to help you try to work through your difficulties, and look for other options in your situation. Nothing in life is ever black and white, besides I think I prefer rainbows anyway
Response:
<T.C.
wrote in message news:3a5a57e5.932923110@enews.newsguy.com… No offense taken on my part – and dammit, you’re gonna come to Nashville some time.
<<<<<<<<<BREATH OUT
I’ve been holding my breath since I wrote back to you. I’m so glad you weren’t angry. And Nashville is *so* high up on my list of priorities, you’d be amazed. It’s somewhere right below "get a job" and just above "pay the Sears bill".
Response:
You folks want me to leave a perfectly good friendship with a person who just happens to be my ex-husband because *you* think I need to. I disagree.
Lil this has nothing to do with leaveing a friendship. Are you this involved with any of your friends kids? Would you ever feel comfortable doing that? I’m not saying that you have to even move away but you dod need to step back and let DH and BM handle this for themselves. If you and Dh are truly just friends than your role in his son’s life is alot less than your role as his stepmom. There are certain things that no matter how hard the are for you to let go of are not yours to deal with any more, and what medication your friend puts his son on is one of them
If DH was a female roommate, would you all say that it was impossible for me to have a life while living here with her?
If she were your former lover I would. You and Dh aren’t just friends but friends that used to be married. the dynamic of the relationship is automatically going to change. You are not merely friends you are friends that shared a marriage. It’s not the same thing, and can’t compare.
What if she had a child that I helped her with?
I can almost guarentee that you would not have the same emotional attachment to that child that you would with SS.
Merrie once asked me why I would continue a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere? I remember it because it seemed like such a bizarre question to ask about a friendship. Are your friendships "going" somewhere? Are they all leading to marriage?
Because Lil many of us don’t view your relationship with Dh as a friendship. you still live with him, still refer to him as DH and not DF, still think of SS as your SS and not the son of your friend. Also I don’t think that you would ever be involved with a friend’s child the way you are with DH’s son.
All of your concern hinges on the fact that he’s my ex-husband and this doesn’t follow the traditional divorce pattern, so everybody wants to tell me that it’s wrong or unhealthy.
The fact that your friends with you ex is not wrong and unhealthy, the fact that you two might still be playing husband and wife in some cases might be unhealthy. Your continued involvement in SS’s life, might be unhealthy for your own psyche.
So if you’re all just holding your breath, waiting for the day that I cut off all ties with DH and stepson for no reason other than "so that I can get on with my life", I think you’d better find a new hobby.
No Lil. What you do with DH and SS really doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of my life, but when you post you have to expect that we’ll have opinions about all of this.
But I have to do what’s right for me and, having explained that all before, I cannot keep going in this same circle. lil
well then do what you were already doing Lil. Love, Melissa "I’m a born again Q".
Response:
"Kim Scheinberg" <i…@panix.com
wrote in message
news:93d1go$ebr$1@panix6.panix.com…
Lil, I’ve written and rejected maybe a dozen responses to this. None of them were particularly kind, though they all came from genuine concern
<grin
I wouldn’t expect you to be particularly kind. And I know that anything you have to say comes from genuine concern, because you’re not the kind to waste your breath on people you don’t really give a rat’s ass about.
You have been here for years telling us you’re allergic to strawberries.
Almonds. I’m allergic to almonds. Several years back, when I was *finally* diagnosed with asthma, I was sent for allergy testing. Cat hair, feathers, dust, nearly every kind of tree or grass, raw corn, raw peas, raw beans and almonds. Most of this was alright with me. I hate cats. I *loath* birds. Dust gets in my way occasionally, as do the trees or grass, but I’m not dying to live like The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Corn and peas can always be cooked and I’ve been looking for a reason to avoid beans since I was a small child. But I told the allergist that almonds were not an option–I wasn’t going to give them up. Since he’d now mentioned it, I did see that almonds caused my asthma to act up. Nothing life threatening, but an occasionally irritating problem. Still, I liked almonds and I wasn’t planning to give that up because he thought that I needed to. I would just have to learn to work around the problem. He could continue to tell me I have to stop eating the almonds while I continue to smile benignly and let it drift out the other ear, or he could accept that and we could talk about other solutions. So I still eat almonds because the problem they cause does not outweigh my liking them. And when I start to cough, I give myself a shot of FloVent and carry on.
Everything else is just rationalization and bullshit
Bullshit, I don’t know about. I believe everything I’m saying, but I’m not always the brightest crayon in the box. Rationalization, sure. Like I said to Martha, I have this bizarre notion that I owe more than a "no thanks" to you guys. I’ve always been like that–I answer questions with a story. At any rate, the rationalizations have a point. I’m not here because I’m hell bent on proving you guys wrong. Ask my mom…nothing anybody’s ever said has had any real influence on how I actually decide to live my life. I tell you that I won’t give up almonds for all the reasons you say I won’t give up strawberries and more. But the fact of the matter is simple–I like them. Likewise with DH. So far that still outweighs the things that bother me. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
<filipi…@osu.edu
wrote in message
news:filipic.3-0801011124120001@164.107.35.122…
I think a lot of the feedback you’ve been getting has stemmed from things you’ve told us… here’s one item I believe you wrote…
Yes, I said that the idea of packing up and leaving was tempting. And I don’t know which thread that was (I keep no record of anything that I’m not thrilled about DH reading), but the Paxil thread was very clearly labled a vent. I have days where it would be easier to pack up and leave my life–I’m sure you do, too. That day they stemmed from stepson’s medication. Some days they stem from my bills. My bills are *far* more difficult to overcome than my problems with stepson. I could declare bankruptcy tomorrow–I have no assets to lose and I’d never have to worry about these bills again. That’s the easy way out. It’s harder to make a commitment to take responsibility for something that you took on with your eyes open. So do I still fantasize about bankruptcy? You bet. Would I like myself much if I did it? Nope.
I think people here understand those kinds of difficulties more than they understand the positives you experience in the relationship you have with your ex.
Exactly. And as I said, I truly love you all for the concern that you have for me. I’m just tired of feeling that I have to explain why somebody else’s solution isn’t right for me. Certainly not right now. Maybe not ever. To be totally honest, with a little more fine tuning this kind of a living arrangement really agrees with me. Anne was very close to the mark when she called it a marriage without sex. But it’s also a marriage without guilt or encumbrances. I’m free to do what I like–travel where I like, hang out where I like, date who I like. So is DH. And when we come home, there’s somebody here to talk to. This works for me.
Don’t worry so much about explaining every last detail to all of us. Take what is helpful, and let the rest slide away to internet-oblivion.
Sigh. Therein lies the problem, though. Sometimes it’s hard to see the concern and I just feel like you all are waiting to see who wins the break-up pool. And private e-mails are so much more difficult to ignore than posts, because they’re right there in your face from people that you love and who you know care about what happens to you. And "thanks, but no," doesn’t seem to cut it as a response–especially when people have trusted you with their own painful history as an example. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
"lilblakdog" <lbdcreati…@dog.com
writes You folks want me to leave a perfectly good friendship with a person who just happens to be my ex-husband because *you* think I need to. I disagree.
Lil, I’ve written and rejected maybe a dozen responses to this. None of them were particularly kind, though they all came from genuine concern You have been here for years telling us you’re allergic to strawberries. You give us the details of every rash that occurs after eating them (most especially, I’ll note, on Halloween and Xmas). You relay agonizing details about the short-term effects these strawberries have, and occasionally wonder if they might not have long-term effects, too When we tell you in all manner of ways to STOP EATING THE STRAWBERRIES you remind us how good they taste, how much you enjoy them, how you’ve devoted years to collecting and perfecting various strawberry recipes. You’re invested in strawberries. You have strawberry bushes in your yard. You have a wholesale strawberry business you can’t afford to give up You’ve stopped eating them, you say. Now you’ve reduced your life to growing them and picking them and cooking with them and just enjoying the scent. They benefit your life somehow Guess what? You’re still having allergic reactions. Maybe you don’t wash your hands well enough after handling them. Maybe it’s absorbed through your skin. I don’t know BUT THE STRAWBERRIES ARE SLOWLY KILLING YOU Everything else is just rationalization and bullshit Find a new business, Lil. Grow a different garden. Get out. How many people need to observe this? How many of us can be so wrongity-wrong? -k.
Response:
Hi lil, I understand the frustration you’re feeling right now. But I think a lot of the feedback you’ve been getting has stemmed from things you’ve told us… here’s one item I believe you wrote:
I know. But the only way to do it would be to actually pack up and leave, cutting them off completely. And that idea is *soooo* tempting right now, to be totally honest with you. I can’t think about this stuff, because it’s killing me. The idea of feeding *my* child unnecessary drugs makes me sick.
It almost sounds as if you wanted to hear that it would be OK if you decided to just remove yourself totally from the situation. And I think people here responded to that. But of course it’s OK to stick with it, too, if that’s what you want to do. In fact, as long as you have the strength and energy and desire to continue it, it sounds like the input you’ll have on SS’s life will be an incredibly positive influence. It could become difficult at times, because as a step, you’re at the mercy of the bioparents’ wishes. And I think people here understand those kinds of difficulties more than they understand the positives you experience in the relationship you have with your ex. Don’t worry so much about explaining every last detail to all of us. Take what is helpful, and let the rest slide away to internet-oblivion. All the best, Martha In article <2L566.2705$O8.32…@newscontent-01.sprint.ca
, "lilblakdog"
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<lbdcreati…@dog.com
wrote: Sigh. You’re missing something rather significant, though. TC left because she was in a bad relationship with an abusive alchoholic. She needed to leave that relationship for her own health, safety and state of mind, if nothing else, and it was impossible to do so and still salvage the relationship with her–for all intents and purposes–stepdaughter. I’ve heard this type of advice from many of you–three this week, that I remember; I think nearly *all* of you at one point or another. And I *know* that your advice comes from your concern for me, and I love you for that concern. But one of these days I’m going to be what appears to be one of those spontaneous combustion cases–they’re going to walk in and find char and ashes all around my computer chair and nothing else damaged. So please let me re-iterate and get out everything that I need to say, one last time. And then I have to stop discussing this with you all, because it exhausts me to have to explain myself over and over and I just cannot do it anymore. You folks want me to leave a perfectly good friendship with a person who just happens to be my ex-husband because *you* think I need to. I disagree. If DH was a female roommate, would you all say that it was impossible for me to have a life while living here with her? What if she had a child that I helped her with? My friend’s best friend is a single mother and so my friend spends a lot of time and effort helping her raise her son. Should she walk away too? Because she has no ties to this child and needs to get on with her *own* life? Merrie once asked me why I would continue a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere? I remember it because it seemed like such a bizarre question to ask about a friendship. Are your friendships "going" somewhere? Are they all leading to marriage? Because if they are, I think you’re right…I need to get new friends. All of your concern hinges on the fact that he’s my ex-husband and this doesn’t follow the traditional divorce pattern, so everybody wants to tell me that it’s wrong or unhealthy. I never got my copy of The Big Book of Divorce, but I’ll tell you something…I consider mine pretty successful. I have everything that I set out to have at the time that I left DH–things I never thought I would have again. And I don’t feel that I’m losing *anything* in the process. So if you’re all just holding your breath, waiting for the day that I cut off all ties with DH and stepson for no reason other than "so that I can get on with my life", I think you’d better find a new hobby. I *have* gotten on with my life and, thankfully, have managed to keep one of my best friends and a relationship with the child that I love. You folks need to understand and appreciate that I’m not going anywhere anytime soon…and when I do, I won’t be going far. I’ll still be best friends with DH, and will still be special friends with my stepson. Until such time that something unavoidable happens–like a new woman in DH’s life–this is the way that things will continue. Because *I* want it to. And, currently, so do DH and stepson. It’s unorthodox, and I completely appreciate your not understanding it. But socially, right now, I feel 100% fulfilled, just the way things are, and I have no desire to change it. Get me a job and shave five years off my age, and I’d be very, very happy with my life right now. I know an awful lot of parasites–people who’s only concern for me is my ability to do things for them. I just had this discussion earlier this year with Merrie, when I was trying to end a friendship with a person I no longer valued as a friend. I’m currently dealing with two others–one being Roomie–and I’m just keeping my head above water with them, trying to see if there’s anything left to salvage. The idea of leaving a wonderful, fulfilling friendship for absolutely no reason is ludicrous. When I left DH, I told my brother that my mom was worried about what the family would say. He turned to me and said, "Leslie, anybody who was at that wedding would *not* be surprised that it turned out like this." And it’s true–I never heard a word from anybody at my wedding. My distant family, however, all think that I *need* to go back to him. My distant friends think I *need* to cut off all ties with him completely. The people who really know me and have actually met DH and I are all happy that things have turned out so well and that everyone is happy with the current situation. What do you think that says? I’m not one of those people who think that support means agreeing with everything I say and do. You’ve given me your advice and I’ve read it, understood where it was coming from, and appreciated it. But I have to do what’s right for me and, having explained that all before, I cannot keep going in this same circle. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
Okay, so the medication is really just the tip of a rather jagged iceberg. I’m noticing some things in the past year that really have me concerned. And yeah, I know…it’s none of my business. But they’ve still got me concerned. They seem to have begun around the time Nikki came to visit. Why that would trigger a problem, I’m not sure…although biomom was *livid* that Nikki, DH and I stayed in the hotel that DH and biomom used to have their torrid weekends in. And insisted that we didn’t introduce Nikki to her (even though she didn’t even bother to come out of the back of the house when we arrived), so that she felt like a second-class citizen in her own home). *And* stepson was full of "Nikki did this" and "Nikki did that" when he got home. Anyhow, it seemed to have brought out all her anger at DH leaving her and marrying me (*years* in between, but nonetheless…). Less than a week later, she decided to pull DH’s spring visitation at the last minute. We didn’t see him again for over a month. I don’t know what was said when DH had stepson phone her during our camping trip, but he was in tears for hours afterward…then she tried to cut our vacation short. And yes, there were extenuating circumstances, but she was still *really* put out that DH wouldn’t rush him home immediately upon her request. And I think she was even more angry that it was stepson himself who decided that he’d prefer to camp…I don’t think she ever expected that he’d one day choose us over her. She refused to let us have him for Halloween. For *some* reason (DH says it was his idea, but it doesn’t fit his profile and *does* fit hers), we didn’t see stepson on Christmas. And our "half of vacation" was whittled down to the three days of New Year’s weekend. She called on the second day, during dinner, and wanted to talk to stepson. He told her he was eating but she still had him on the phone for nearly twenty minutes–wanting to know what he got for Christmas, what he was doing, where he slept, WHERE DH AND I SLEPT (at which point I very nearly took the phone away from him and hung it up, and *will* the next time), etc. Then she told DH she wanted him to call her back at midnight. She saw him the day before and was seeing him again the next day…I don’t get the point. This was supposed to be DH’s weekend (one of only *four* in the past year), and yet it seemed to revolve around her. I know she’s been furious that DH won’t rush to her side anymore, whenever she screams crisis. I’m sure she thought that DH would want to attend her father’s funeral, and asking him to come home would just seem obvious. The medication just seems to be one more attention grabber–like the eurology testing and the zillions of trips to the emergency room. But I feel like we’re poisoning him against our will (and yes, it is "us", because DH doesn’t remember to give him the medication). And she behaves as though she’s put one over on us. She hands DH the medication with a smug look on her face and practically *dares* him to challenge her. And the fact that DH *doesn’t* makes my blood run even colder. How can a man who cares so much do so little??? I’ve cried over this. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve thrown up. I feel like throwing up just writing about it. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn’t just put a bullet to his head, so that she and DH can "share" in their grief. I honestly don’t know what kind of a life he’ll have otherwise. She resents his making his own decisions if it doesn’t work in her favor. Any time DH doesn’t do exactly as she wants, she does something more to stepson. This time it’s anti-depressants. Next time will it be a labotomy, like Frances Farmer? I don’t know where it all ends. And stepson’s nothing more to her than a voodoo doll she can hug one minute and stick a pin into the next. But what do I do? Walk away? It would help me, but what will it do to stepson? How can I punish him for something his mother is doing? He needs all the sane, rational support he can get, but it’s really, really killing me to watch this unfold. I feel like picking him up and running as far and fast as possible–away from both of his screwy parents! lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
I don’t know how Lindsay would interpret your past actions, but I suspect it would be beneficial for her to know that in regards to her parents – it’s them not her – that are screwed up. It sometimes seems so obvious – but often not to the kid. Merrie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -
I dream sometimes of trying to track down Lindsay when she is older. To try to explain to her why I had to leave. Some day when she is old enough to understand it. I still question whether this would be beneficial or detrimental to her. Maybe some day she will find me again.
Response:
In article <3a54d380.505886…@enews.newsguy.com
, posted Thu, 04 Jan
2001 02:49:44 GMT, T.C. says… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -
On Mon, 1 Jan 2001 15:30:59 -0800, "lilblakdog" <lbdcreati…@dog.com wrote: But what do I do? Walk away? It would help me, but what will it do to stepson? How can I punish him for something his mother is doing? He needs all the sane, rational support he can get, but it’s really, really killing me to watch this unfold. I feel like picking him up and running as far and fast as possible–away from both of his screwy parents! Ok Lil,this may make me really unpopular but here goes… At some point you will just have to walk away. I lived with a man who was an alcoholic and had two daughters. Their mother was a bona-fide wacko – she’d already been remarried twice when I came on the scene (the girls were 3 and 5). I was the sanest person in their lives and the oldest child, Lindsay and I developed a very close, very special bond. Lindsay’s mother was intimidated by the child’s intelligence and either degraded her or ignored her – I encouraged her to grow and develop her intelligence. I tried to instill self confidence in her, tried to nurture her, tried to help her as best I could. She was 8 the day I walked out the door. I *had* to go. I could no longer live with a man that was co-dependent, emotionally abusive, and becoming physically abusive. I could no longer support him financially while at the same time post-poning my own education and growth. *I* had to go. I had to go for *me*. I will never forget Lindsay standing on the front porch screaming for me not to leave. I still cry when I think about it. A few years later I met DH – I’d sworn I would never get involved with another man with kids. But he got to me. I had to have him and I’ve never regretted marrying him. But I wouldn’t have him, I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am, I wouldn’t have *finally* found happiness if I had stayed in a bad relationship for a child that wasn’t mine. It crossed my mind several times over the years to try to contact Lindsay. She found me once when I moved to Nashville and we talked for a short time on the phone. But it was better that I stayed silent for the most part. I could only cause her more pain as I couldn’t be there for her on a regular basis. I couldn’t help her. I saw her father last year and he told me that she was in a treatment center. She was having emotional problems. He lost custody after I left – he couldn’t hold it together without me, or he chose not to. It was easier to blame me for leaving. Her mother continued with her wacky behavior and she eventually lost *both* girls, the younger is living with her paternal grandmother (a good woman, I might add, despite the fact that she *hates* me). It hurt me to hear about what happened to them, but I had done everything I could. It boiled down to the fact that I was not a parent, I had no say in their lives. And, no matter how much I wanted to, I could not take them with me. I could not sacrifice my future and the future of my as-yet-to-be-born children. I dream sometimes of trying to track down Lindsay when she is older. To try to explain to her why I had to leave. Some day when she is old enough to understand it. I still question whether this would be beneficial or detrimental to her. Maybe some day she will find me again. Lil, you can’t change either of his parents – they have to change themselves. It sounds like neither one of them is ready to do that. You, on the other hand, are making changes in your life. You are trying to move forward and grow. I think you should move on. It’ll hurt, terribly. And there will always be some regret – but you need to do it. If I were I your shoes, I would find another apartment and move out. Even if it’s a hovel – you need your own space and a break from this situation. DH needs to stand on his own two feet, and he won’t do that as long as you continue to give him a place to ‘lean’. He needs to learn to take care of SS himself. BM shows no signs of changing, but she doesn’t have to as long as she’s got you to back her up as well. Cut them both loose. Make your own future – don’t let them dictate what it will be.
Thanks for that story TC – what a tough decision, but it’s obvious that you had to do it. Providing a frame so that two other adults can ignore the mess they’ve made is not much of a life – and not really fair to anybody. Kevin — Quotes of a five year old girl "Life. It can be scary sometimes, you know, like when there’s a fire or it’s dark or blah blah blah."
Response:
In article <Llr46.9191$EX5.95…@newscontent-01.sprint.ca
, posted Tue, 2
Jan 2001 13:04:49 -0800, lilblakdog says…
"Melissa " <laa…@aol.comspamfree wrote in message news:20010102121023.00467.00000871@ng-fj1.aol.com… Yes Lil, you are stressing yourself to the breaking point over a situation you can do nothing about. You and DH are divorced, he won’t step up to the plate, BM will take advantage of it. It’s going to happen. There is nothing you can do. I know. But the only way to do it would be to actually pack up and leave, cutting them off completely. And that idea is *soooo* tempting right now, to be totally honest with you. I can’t think about this stuff, because it’s killing me. The idea of feeding *my* child unnecessary drugs makes me sick.
There’s something in here that keeps niggling at me. Something to do with relationship balances. It seems to me, Lil, that you fulfill a very specific role in the life of stepson, taking up responsibilities which normally would come from the parents. Is it possible, that should you withdraw from the situation, - besides being probably healthier for you – that it would actually trigger off some latent similar parenting integrity in Biomom and DH which are at the moment your ‘property’? I have seen this happen, and it doesn’t happen quick. However right now, you could be in a way enabling them both to be complacent. There’s no need for them to change because . . you’re there doing the hard work which covers up their mistakes…. It’s a tough decision, because you would never know until after the fact whether it was right or not. Kevin — Quotes of a five year old girl "If I look for a long time at myself in the mirror I start to look grown up. It’s starting to happen now. I’m growing, like beans. So mirrors are very special."
Response:
"Kevin" <sevenths…@hotmail.com
wrote in message
news:MPG.14bc8b876f5e84259896b6@news.ntlworld.com…
Is it possible, that should you withdraw from the situation, - besides being probably healthier for you – that it would actually trigger off some latent similar parenting integrity in Biomom and DH which are at the moment your ‘property’?
Uh-uh. Biomom lives in total denial of what I do, and goes to great lengths to destroy any progress I make, immediately after I make it. The only thing that my disappearing will do for her is that she’ll be able to continue as she wishes without anybody lobbying for stepson and what is actually best for him. Biomom would be perfectly happy to have stepson live with her forever, totally dependent on her. She has often seemed to me (her father’s death being an excellent for-instance) incapable of dealing with certain things without stepson being with her. As for DH, I can very nearly guarantee you that he will allow stepson to slip out of his life completely. He had neglected all of his friendships to near death until I came on the scene and revived them. I got them all into varrying degrees of health before giving up completely (due to a total lack of support on his part), and DH hasn’t seen any of them since we were married. It was and is very much the same thing with his family relationships. Without me–or someone else to fulfill my role–DH will be unable to have any real degree of visitation. He works in retail management, and weekends off are few and far between, as are holiday weekends. Any visitation he has will more than likely be spent in near silence, in front of the television, and they will slip further and further apart. Biomom will, in turn, use this to keep stepson at home more and more, until DH becomes the typical biological father who shows up at graduation, weddings and the occasional birthday/holiday. Now, none of this is my business and I don’t lose any sleep over it. I can’t be there to hold everybody upright. What *is* my business is that I took on a certain role when I married DH–a role that was a lot more involved than most NC stepparents. I take that role and the current reprecussions from it very seriously. Stepson looks to me for nearly everything when he’s with us; my removing myself from his life and leaving him to whatever fate is waiting for him is not going to happen, unless I’m forced too. *I* built this relationship, with all of my heart and my good intentions. I haven’t committed to a hell of a lot in my life, but I’m committed to this. I cannot simply walk away because it’s suddenly too difficult, or I want to see what biomom or DH will do when I’m gone. After nearly eight years of studying both of them, I *know* what they’ll do when I’m gone. The only thing worse than what stepson is going through now, and what more than likely continues to wait for him in his future, is for him to have to go through it without *any* outside support and wondering where in hell I went??? If biomom or DH want to instigate that and live with the fallout, that’s their choice. But I’m not going to. FWIW, though, I don’t "parent" in the same way I used to. I force DH to plan their day, plan their meals, and cover all expenses incurred. I offer my opinion as a concerned friend of both DH and stepson (often rather passionately), but I don’t beat a dead horse. I do only as much disciplining as is normal for an adult figure living in this house. If stepson gets too noisy, I ask him to settle down. If he’s touching something that I don’t wish touched, I let him know. If he’s making too big a mess, I ask him to begin cleaning up. But any of the heavy duty parenting is done by DH or isn’t done at all. I have happily relinquished myself of most of that role, and enjoy being "just a friend". lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
"C&HWood" <line…@in.epix.net
wrote in message
news:3a5253f4.30495413@news.epix.net…
A while ago on the list, someone talked about a "Circle of Control" where they literally drew a circle, and put everything they can control inside the circle, and everything they can’t outside. Do you remember that – I’m a little fuzzy on the details.
<grin
I’m a dismal failure at "Circle of Control." I’m of the opinion that *everything’s* in my control. I’m not good with the idea that I can’t do anything that I put enough effort into. :-) For instance:
Decide appropriate medication
I have stepson’s medical insurance number. I still have identification that says that I am Mrs. DH…not that the doctor has ever asked for it. I can take stepson to the doctor he sees here and say, "This is what he’s being given. This is his history." I could even bring in half a dozen witnesses, which is something biomom can’t. And at the very *least*, I can get the medication changed. I can get a letter from the doctor to biomom. If I did that, DH would take it to biomom and say, "This is the new situation, based on the truth about <stepson
’s condition. This time *you* don’t fight
*me*." DH will do it…if I do the legwork, as always.
BD’s attitude & activity with son & ex
I can badger the hell out of DH until he does something to deal with the ex. It’s worked before. As for his activity with his son, that’s *always* been in my control. DH won’t even plan lunch for the two of them without my input and/or approval.
Whether you work with SS in school
This one I’ve let go of anyway. I told DH that I would help stepson if I had his and biomom’s total support and assistance. I haven’t got it. I won’t help. I’m done with the annual blood, sweat and tears, trying to teach him the things that he should have learned in school, only to have him forget them again after he goes home.
If not, at least know that there’s a perfect stranger who’s sending you good vibes and wishing you well with your difficulties.
<smile
Thanks, Holly! lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
Hi Lil, I normally just lurk here (for years, posting once in a while) but I wanted to reply to your situation here: "lilblakdog" <lbdcreati…@dog.com
wrote: "Melissa " <laa…@aol.comspamfree wrote in message news:20010102121023.00467.00000871@ng-fj1.aol.com… Yes Lil, you are stressing yourself to the breaking point over a situation you can do nothing about. You and DH are divorced, he won’t step up to the plate, BM will take advantage of it. It’s going to happen. There is nothing you can do. I know. But the only way to do it would be to actually pack up and leave, cutting them off completely.
I know you’re stressed, and it might seem like it has to be all or nothing, but it’s not. A while ago on the list, someone talked about a "Circle of Control" where they literally drew a circle, and put everything they can control inside the circle, and everything they can’t outside. Do you remember that – I’m a little fuzzy on the details. It seems to me there is a lot that you can do (and are doing) for this little boy you love so much, but because of your situation, there’s a lot you can’t do, too. And you’re stressing a lot over the stuff that you can’t actually change. For instance, regarding the paxil and other recent issues, you could put things like Decide appropriate medication BD’s attitude & activity with son & ex Whether you work with SS in school all outside your circle of control. Because they aren’t something you can control, no matter how much you want to, and stressing about them is *only* going to stress you, not change anything. But you can put all kinds of things *inside* your circle, because you can do them. Things like talking to SS when you see him, researching about whatever condition he is supposedly being medcated for, helping him learn techniques for dealing with it (if he has it – doubtful, I know) or ways to deal with his wacko mother (not that you’d ever call her that in front of him
, help him with school & learning when you do see him, work on bettering and continuing *your* relationship with SS so he knows you care, and so forth. And those are all good, worthwhile things, and thinking about the positive things you can do has *got* to be better than thinking about the stuff you want to change, but can’t. I don’t know if this making sense, I have my own set of "things outside my circle of control" and one of them is having my brain work somedays. I hope you understand I offer this advice with the best of intentions and hopes that it can help you at least a little. If not, at least know that there’s a perfect stranger who’s sending you good vibes and wishing you well with your difficulties. Holly
Response:
But what do I do? Walk away?
Yes Lil, you are stressing yourself to the breaking point over a situation you can do nothing about. You and DH are divorced, he won’t step up to the plate, BM will take advantage of it. It’s going to happen. There is nothing you can do. Maybe you should take an SS vacation fo awhile. Don’t discuss it with DH, don’t even think about it. Take some time to regroup. Love, Melissa "I’m a born again Q".
Response:
"lilblakdog" <lbdcreati…@dog.com
wrote in message
news:To846.8824$EX5.85869@newscontent-01.sprint.ca…
But what do I do? Walk away? It would help me, but what will it do to stepson? How can I punish him for something his mother is doing?
Oh, {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}, Lil! I understand how you feel. It’s like being 500 feet away from an accident that is occurring and you can see it all unfolding in slow motion before your eyes. You think that if the drivers’ of each car could just hear your instructions they could minimize the damage. You realize they can’t hear you so you wonder about how you could run in and ’save’ the situation. But you can’t. It’s happening anyway and has already been happening. Remember, though, that *YOU* did NOT cause the accident. *THEY* did. You can only do so much and then it’s out of your hands. You’re still going to see the accident happening and you’re only human to feel ill and uneasy with being a witness to it all. But, like a ‘real’ accident, emergency personnel must assess the situation and see how ’safe’ it is. If it is unsafe for *them* they MUST make it so or they will die in the process of ‘rescue’. Failing to ’save’ anyone else and throwing their own life away at the same time. You need to make the situation ’safe’ for *you* first. There is a strong impulse in you to help, but you need to come at it with making sure *you* are in a safe place first. Otherwise, you just become another piece in the ‘accident’. OK, I’m sorry if that advice seems as clear as mud. I just hate seeing you internalize something that is NOT your fault and not something that you can ‘fix’. You can only work with *you* in the equation because that is the only thing you truly have absolute control over. I’m also feeling bad that the New Year has started off on such a bad note for you. Tea
Response:
"Melissa " <laa…@aol.comspamfree
wrote in message
news:20010102121023.00467.00000871@ng-fj1.aol.com…
Yes Lil, you are stressing yourself to the breaking point over a situation
you
can do nothing about. You and DH are divorced, he won’t step up to the
plate,
BM will take advantage of it. It’s going to happen. There is nothing you
can
do.
I know. But the only way to do it would be to actually pack up and leave, cutting them off completely. And that idea is *soooo* tempting right now, to be totally honest with you. I can’t think about this stuff, because it’s killing me. The idea of feeding *my* child unnecessary drugs makes me sick. But that’s the problem. For nearly eight years now, he’s been *my* child–with everybody’s blessing. I was ravingly unsuccessful at bearing any of my own and that’s made him more than just my step-child. I know that some day DH or biomom could decide that enough’s enough and I don’t get to see him anymore and I’m prepared for that day. But it’s totally different to just get up and walk away from it voluntarily. When I think of doing it, it’s easier to imagine that I’d be able to amputate my own limb. And that’s *really* a dangerous thing…I don’t need anybody to tell me that. But this seems to be the hazaard of marrying someone with a child that you love–you can’t make yourself stop loving the child, just because you’re no longer married to the parent. lil — "It’s hard when you discover what keeps you going keeps you all alone." – Blue Rodeo
Response:
It’s too bad we can’t force medicate your BM.
She hands DH the medication with a smug look on her face and practically *dares* him to challenge her.
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" — Bob Seger Jennaii
Response:
. My heart started pounding so hard it hurt, I got nauseated, dizzy, and started shaking. The worst part was my mind lost its sense of reality.